Just another tumblr blog of vents, ideas, and trying to remember the events that are shaping me into the person I am already, and occasionally things I wanted to keep for later if I wanted to remind myself about.
These are online because it's easier to voice predict to my phone to type up my thoughts.
Remember you can't have a rainbow without the rain, and sunflowers face the sun.
I’m trying to learning the words to my…Feelings… And how I can be better at that? Another autisc freind recommend me pixy and I’m like oh cool.
And I gave him those diagrams… I’m greatful to having many people I can ask around questions about… Sometimes but today is very…
Nightmare, 2 hours sleep… Truma triggers, mental health peaked up… I’m still trying to not really think about it because I’m gonna have a bath and try my new ear plugs and sleep mask because it seems to be “deeper” and “blacker” like genuinely great.
I…just wrote a live blog of forrest gump,seeing again since… to you and tumblr has decided to loose everything I wrote. Mother fucking… And.. It’s gone.
All the things I wanted you know but.. I guess that’s…
Fucking..
Maybe next time I’ll try remember everything I typed…. Fuck me I’m mad.. I actually csnt believe they didn’t warn me about a text limit so I kept typing and now it’s just all gone… All of it…
Well it was beuiutful as you…
Edit
I’ll try talk about it tomorrow even if the video is better summary but I wanted you to follow along…
It’s been a hot minute but…one day, a feather landed into my life…but I sent the ring to be engraved… You’ll have to wait for that… But…it’s week ish till then, Now I have a feather to wear… I haven’t seen this flim since the day you asked why I liked it and I said… Everything…
Apprently one video per post… Soooo part 2 coming up..
I haven’t seen your favorite since the day you asked as per the… Feather ariving into my life…well since you asked me about why I loved it… It’s been a couple years..
I’m watching it again now older and wiser or stupider and dumber?
(this is supposed to be part two but smaller video so it uploaded faster…)
In simple, when you asked me, what’s the matter I didn’t know how to tell you what it was… I didn’t know how to say hey I’m having truma and a mental breakdown.
. Because I didn’t know and I don’t know how to say you met me when I was Carefree and now my life… Is different and difficult… And… Life was bliss and now I’m climbing a fucking mountain of pain… But it’s worth it, you didn’t tell me about the view (again laugh but true)
So I don’t know what it is or what is going on but wasn’t wasn’t right, but in this cinema and after being bullied in a bar to end up at as pyschlogists are free post covid ish nz… Back to. Learning and now that so when I feel like I’m dying while it seems that’s my mental health being like oh hello, your in meltdown from autisc burnout or mental truma…. But I can’t feel my red flags, I don’t see them… I only know… I don’t know when things go wrong, I can only know by my eye coulour….and I can’t see it… It’s why I need you to be my eyes… To see what I csnt unless I use a my selfie camera and then I throw my nose canceling headphones and try fucking dancing/stimping to a good beat and people look at me like what the fuck is wrong with this kid/adult ….
Anyway, people are more accepting if you have a wheelchair they roll out a red carpet, have a nerodivergt/nerodiadilty and as you know weeeeeeeeez.
I told you… About not being able to talk to me in 2021 but here me just before I left my apartment and in the airport in welly back to Auckland around August? .. If you want to go back… Look on my insta for the key post me handing back my apartment key… I think it’s public
Like you probably didn’t see this but that was what was happening to me I didn’t want to scare you… but these are off my old phone but 2021 meltdown yeahhhhhhh, well at least I learnt many things that year even now it’s 2023 and we’re always learning something new…. Like when I was while in deep shit, and told you to not talk to me and I knew something was up… But I couldn’t say what or how to tell you as I didn’t have the right words to describe it and Because my eyes are my mood ring… You know this by now… Right? Or well now you do…. So when you asked me What’s wrong I’m like ummm something that I don’t know because I have no…words or Emotion and no…. Emphay.. It seems I needed a flow wheel with words or playing cards with names (no picture at shrinks office next time but she’s… We’re get there) and someone… At work called me a man child and it hurt so now I’m on part time work… Thanks toxic assholes…. Work a corporate it’s fun i get in trouble for. Autism being oh your Asian because that’s rdue or offensive? Like fuck off really? No wonder I depress myself constantly society is so toxic… Fuck me… (sarcasm) and they get a promption for trying to help me understand the corporate world…. Enjoy your fucking 240k while I have to pay for $210 psychs to fix my truma you woke up bitch, on my entry 65k salary while my same entry colluges now make 100k or. Some fucking bull shit… Honestly I’m pretty close to crying into my pillow tonight given I need a good cry… But I’m okay Im actually pretty headstrong today it’s just this is my vent I’ve been trying to. Figure out… To. Tell you… If you still lurking around… But just been busy job and busy time off. And oh lordy mba and glad I ain’t dating right now tbh, I have enough shit to fertilize a farm, just trying to research making music with my disabilities… Yeah I know very Daniel Johnson…
I guess my greatest work hasn’t been made but it’s songs like this that are just so simple yet so…
But he’s… Yeahhhhhhh…… But I first loved Wilcox’s Cover/trubbutie?
So…. Those. Great songs with metaphors?
*annnddd I check the mail eeverryyydayyyyy and it’s not in the mail because someone wanted the same pecie saaaammmeee peeeccieeeee the puzel of life… *
Yeah I know but you know what I mean I love 80s singer song writers at the moment, even if it hurts… To try listen to peoples art to. Make. My own as there’s feelings in my body but to much is bad but to much and I csnt feel something whatever it is that makes me make poems at night or the songs I made… Or whatever that is I don’t know because I csnt feel to know what it is it’s like sadness but a rage against depression but then one lyric can slam.me into crippling axeity.. Like some of the most. Beautiful songs you showed me… Bonbon… Ugh brand new, taytay with bon bon and birdy…Patrick Watson…. You know what I. Mean… And tonight /today almost 1am I’m here today hearing Forrest Gump, in my mind….
The above qoute it’s more ren said but you didn’t but you implied it.
Then on days when I feel I’m worthless.
Its more.. Sadly… I am smart person but I have problems with people and society fucking with me and I suffer in pain not knowing I am in pain but I don’t know what you woke up in me but fucking hell ren, I love you I don’t know if it’s love because I can’t feel a darn fucking thing but it’s the only exception of only two cups of emotions I feel… I know? Either happy or sad/depressed and oh no spahetios and then with you is like flying…
and there’s a movie I think you’ve seen but it’s quite…. Well mental health centred and more painful but you know it’s…
Sigh
Beautiful mind..
Here’s ughhh.. A snippet of something for you?
I see…Pattens sometimes, I understand many things but I can’t put it to fucking words or what the information means… So I have fun with my life, unfortunately you can’t ask questions because I’m a fucking asshole and I regret telling you not talk to me but I didn’t need more pressure then we’ll as it turns out may to September well then if I don’t get seen when I ask for help well. God help me… I did some good and some… Awful things… I don’t really want to touch on this because of well you also had some of that but if you want to talk about it I’ll go there.. I just have to judge your. Mental health usually on many factors I can’t see or judge like what your listening to, what your blogging even of well mine post 2014 was all lies almost but some. Not so much but it’s been almost 9 years my love… But the information I blurred you know but God tumblr…public and… Yeahhh
Here’s my teen years iq test… I haven’t done one since but…
I’m suffering currently from a life of Nerodiverse…
Adhd dyslexia dyspraxia dysgraphia autism.
Depending on the day depression axeity and Alexithymia…
Asthma… Shitty diagafram…. Breathing at aultide oh lordy druango great place, almost killed me… Yeah I didn’t want to know that part yet… Etc anyway…
Its 1am ugh tomorrow I gotta see an ent I think for the last time.
Xoxo
P.S
Here’s a poem with some riddles and mystery 😂
There’s a picture, maybe it’s all the missing pecies I’m looking for but it’s really hard to know to be certain, it’s early days I finished the sides and working my way in….
I’m making my way in looking and what is my missing pecies, there’s a type of. Puzzle called a wasgij
, Feels like it’s one of those kind of puzzles…
I think it’s a woman, a cat named stewams and possibly if she gets my reference an A for your a star, and another A who’s a pilot… or a companion of a doctor… But I think her nickname is going to be a song from a John denver album that’s on the way back home again behind a log cabin in the woods in I think Washington but y'know, and for some reason the photographer is shooting flim, even if it’s not vegan but it is what it is, he’s a bit of a capt American but bucky isn’t there but Peggy sue, buddy Holly even likes Peggy. And he’s like oh shit and try’s running into place for the photo and…. Well I don’t know it’s flim we haven’t deloped it yet.
How does one do that - time to find out eventually in a darkroom… Where pictures come back from being light and iredisent beams of light where pink flyod is casually playing on the turntable.
I
–SS
Y–
M—- & -Or- E-E–Y
—
-T
-U—
-O
-EE
–U
—-G
—E
Because
-
–o-
–’-
-ar-
-y
L–L
XO
A—y-
Ehhh… Fuck it.
Never know if you got these or those… But most unfortunately I think I’ve lost to time but this one well…
’
I miss you more and more everyday and it hurts to see you doing fine because I know love it’s hard my loml xo always
For some reason I thought you might enjoy her videos of like an electric harp it seems something I could see you getting into but I’m thinking about you and playing a harp. But shit those are probably expenny right now…
Anyway.
Breakfast.
Mom bought some noodles from the organic store and I found a new company I’m going to buy from, think Protein pumpkin noodles?!
And coming up TW and mental health and oh today was fucking crazy…
E.D issues…
This is so cool
Please get a bundle with a totet I don’t know if we can here, but I’m sure you’ll love them as much as me. (within reason) their packaging is carboard/paper but the noodles are one big plastic wrap and then the seasoning…
unfortunately as usual better to buy from an ethical company then a company that doesn’t have ethics at all… it’s like we can’t “recycle it” but I know in new Zealand someone made a reverse back to oil thing that I’m raising eyebrows over.
This shit, literally I hope soon they ask for investment Ike an IPO or something.
Looks yum…. tastes pretty good.
Speaking of ethics investments so difficult… Let alone after that water documentary… And my. Costco alomuld milk is from California… We all know how much water those nuts take… Oat milk is technically better but all our nz made ones are crazy priced as usual how do people afford to live in this country when an alternative milk is $7?(nzd so 4.50?usd? (guessing))
I had a psych call me from work, no idea I forgot I said 10am I put in my phone 10pm ughhh and then had to talk to my dietain but…
I went into town after this for a haircut and beard trim.
Pre-bad ish
Post Haircut, and beard trim yeah I know $100 nzd fuck me.. Anyway… I kind have a big chunk of hair in my middle head missing that I don’t know if it will ever come back but I think he said it’s because I have been using my shampoo block wrong, also cool shit I’ll show you I didn’t see in America but the dietain was “tough love” telling me when I don’t feel hungry that I need to eat and eat better and more often and fuck me it’s hard enough… You know what I mean… She said when I don’t feel hungry I need to throw that feeling out the Window as my brain needs fat to… Operate.. Yeah I’m 137? Lbs… Yeahhh I know I know… Anyway…
Then since coming home tonight has been rough I appoglized to my university group coming across as an asshole and I’m currently trying to understand some of the questions you asked many years ago….
Like you asked me what I’m feeling and I couldn’t put it to words… It seems.. That’s my ughhh problem…umm part two as I csnt link more then 10 pics… Thanks tumblr.
I Was on hold to my medical insurance, still not sure about what they said as to if I wanted to explore pharmacogenomics or dna testing a few different areas, of the providers given as I think I got a Karen anyway I might have to recall them…
I had to read this book in high school, I remember a bit about it, because most of it we talked about I didn’t do much of the reading part and I think yknow cliff notes but…I don’t know if you can get it at your local library, or how the American system works that’s one thing I didn’t get a chance to explore in my small breif moment in the mountains… But I bring it up because I’ve always wanted to support you, in what you do… I you’re a vegan so I deccied after my medical issues and other things about my ex apartment “flat mates” that I was working on but I was getting towards being one anyway, that I’d do it, and wasn’t that hard for me…I dunno why maybe because I don’t like certain foods or just know about the climate problems… Jeez adhd lately…
I bring this up and this book because if you read the summary it’s quite a ethics debate and the main character and I guess his story of discovery… if there was a brain chip tomorrow (nerolink)or other wise, that might heal or fix my issues or even yours I don’t know if I’d want that…even if I’m big into technology I’m very pestimisic then opmisic given especially how many animals died and a few topics of interest but one of my freinds, I guess? but I don’t know the full story exactly… let’s say has a crippling depression and pain issues from a few head injuries and a concussion? He said if it could help him he’d do it tomorrow, when he wasn’t in the discord room I was going to ask about him because he’s always angry with me suposdly hogging the voice channel when I talk to everyone but few in that
that even I was like there are days I’m like I hate being me but at times I too kind of enjoy being me. But I don’t know but sometimes.
This evening I watched a documentary called “Lords of water” it appears it might be on Amazon prime, if you have access to an account.
It’s about water, makes me sad and then hope soon I can have my own place to catch rain water and be self self-contained and live off my land and off grid…
My psychtraist sends me letters alongside my gp where I was hoping this would be the letter to decided to make me a me a letter for pharmagenics but plot twist it’s a summary where he decides to drop a slight headache for me going from mild to moderate autism spectrum weeeee, fuck.
Well at least it’s almost time off work… Well as I am part time hours currently… It’s 340pm
It seems I got another battle to learn humanoid and masking better…
I don’t know if you play boardgames, more so “table tops” the geeky, nerdy ones… like Codenames really had taken off, in recent years incase you don’t know what I’m talking about….
but I own a few..of these types games, but sadly they don’t get played often as my freinds are all moving away from the city but that’s a different story.
You would love betrayal house on on the hill.
It’s like cludo and a haunted mansion explorer, you can find videos I know your smart, intelligence is so beautiful… Even if I “mansplain” things 😂 anyway. I also own, exploding kittens (NSFW edition), I think it’s probably in under my summer clothes or something because we had mom’s freinds daughter come over and might of wanted to play some games, and she’s still in high school and mom is so pc, even if she says she’s a liberal half the time she’s just flexing with her freinds politics, even if we also don’t really like the republicans in the states… I keep getting side tracked, here’s hoping soon my adhd meds in 25 days may help 😂
Then there’s the dull classics like Monopoly, that can be ughhh…. I enjoy risk though good old strategy, but This video got reccomended to me, where they make a communist version and it’s hilarious I’m sure you’ll laugh hard at all the bull shitary.
I know you use to play Playstation, I don’t own one nor what games you enjoyed playing, I’m currently, taking a small break from my d&d(dungeon and dragons) camapain but but I can’t wait to get you into pc games, I think you’ll enjoy some of them but depending what you like, or enjoy as I play alot of diffrent things for different reasons when I get a chance, mean in general.
I don’t know much about what’s new for you, as in hobbies and interests, but I’ll wait to find out soon enough I guess whenever I get the message, “hey you reday to be freinds again” and I’ll probably answer I was stupid to say no, because I wasn’t thinking correctly but always for you.
At lunch while making this I checked the mail for my surprise, at lunch I guess it’s still in mail delivery services?
Ugh, I really wanted it on time… For the 25th but as I don’t have a way to know where it is other than just the information provided and the NZ post site says 7-14 days delay so I assume from the 21st so maybe by the 6thof July at the latest with them saying 14 days, excluding Sundays…or with Sundays? Because nz post doesn’t operate on a Sunday they don’t make the information so… Nerodiverget Accessable?
Speaking of Sundays…
I haven’t been to, My cult gatherings constantly every Sunday since 2021. But I do stop in to say hi but most of my friends have married young as they all do being, loyal to their roots? I’d hate to laugh now but I joined because of stupid reasons, pretty sure I told you that it’s because I wanted to have a family like my next-door neighbours they weren’t perfect but even so it seemed also good for a network activity trying to get a job or something else not knowing my disabilitys… and I’m glad I left,
but if you want to go through that stuff because you enjoyed true crime who knows you probably enjoy a good cult brainwash *laugh* who knows go through the whole secret mason like secrets I don’t want to spoil here for the reasons.
Of some information I don’t really think is appropriate, I’ve had a few lurkers,
But before you ask, no I never served a misson.
Now lunch is over back to work and I’ll see you soon when I’m at the psychtraist just talking about things.
Forms and more talking next week is some other computer testing of some sort next week.
I’m getting really uncomfortable of these red chairs though in his waiting room… They are so uncomfortable hahahaha, anyway.
He’s a swell guy and hopefully I’m gonna see if we can do a circle dna test and put it on my medical insurance as per diagosisic testing pharmacogenomics is a new field of testing dna towards drugs and treatment to what might work best on a DNA level, and as while circle dna also does some other tests I’m interested in given, let’s say the older people in my life are getting older and eventually will be my future I suppose I’m just a little, axouis and hope I don’t have some of their lifes issues thank God that’s another God knows 60 years away, as to what this could mean for me… I don’t know umm physically? I’m just not sure.
He also suggested I increase my dosesage of quintinpin if I’m having sleep issues so tonight I’m going to try 2 tablets at 50mg.
I don’t say it often but, yknow everyday I think about you at least once, or even God knows and I lost count how much some days as to how often, but it’s funny how much I want to tell you about, and it feels so….
Like I wrote to you now three times today, lunch at the psychtraists, dinner and now in my make shift hot pool called a small tub, with Costco Epsom salts.
Don’t ya hate small bath tubs, 😂 then again I miss those American shower bath combos, they also some how can fit a six foot human like shit I’m not that tall right? Or we just have one kind or the other, how they think it’s a great use of space having two separate ones? I guess it’s just stupid but at least New Zealand has bathroom’s half right with a separated from the toilet to a bathroom so you can use a toilet while someone is showering or bathing, typically but some on suites have all together, depending on the size of your house yadada.
Well, I guess I’ll write a little later depending on how much I get knocked down by the sand man with the 50mg of quintinpin (2x25mg) but I also am trying to get away from technology from an hour before sleep, ironic because my writing is hard to read and I prefer to type or voice predict quietly my poems, I guess my scorpio moon is gonna have to wait while I correct all these bad habits…
Glad to also report I guess it might of been the oatmeal or the cocca powder being to much?
Damn it’s fun hard trying new things, being autisc and now wkrj a new sense of taste from my nose op but, shit it’s tough trying to be healthy 😂
My bannnas are almost reday for eating and smoothies last I checked my weight is coming back given I’m still a skinny shit from 120 almost to I think I’m now 137 but my normal was 145? Lbs I’m trying to gain weight to then gain muscle but shit this is tough 😂 I also am working from home with my reduced hours so here’s hoping when I’m back at the office per say I’ll workout like Tuesday Thursday Saturday.
And they said some real tough things that I’ll need to ponder about.
I hope your doing okay, I hope soup is doing well seeing in my mind he’s still playing with tampons hopefully not getting strings down his tummy again.
I’d say I miss your tiktoks, the funny mm to the b, the whimsical side of you being you.
I watched this funny meme of cars
Sorry it’s hard to juggle all my responsibilities at least I’m getting my focus back, I think it’s the meds that caused my side effect but to make sure I had a “safe* dinner(fake chicken tenders and a colsaw without mayo on spinach wraps pretty dull tbh) I won’t have breakfast tomorrow.. Or the oats but maybe some peanut butter toast, incase it was to much cocoa powder and then wait to see if it happens again.. And to be safe maybe it was my mega coffee or the amount of orange juice I’ve had the past few days being more acidic, I don’t really know but it’s the most common side effect but it’s been a few days and it’s supposed to take a few weeks to kick in? but whatever it was shit that was scary for a few minutes…
While my computer has issues, I haven’t had a chance to sort out one of my personal projects it’s getting there slowly but needs a little more cash then I can afford right now, it’s supposed to be like a private Netflix with my favorite movies or TV shows.
I’ll get my pc what I think it’s faulty the part looked at next Saturday on warnety hopefully, but it’s hard to relax and have me time, and then have to do an MBA… I tell myself it’s only a few more months and hopefully I’ll never have to see accounting or economics again 😂
Looking forward to goverance and corporate strategy those are probably my favorite cutting red tape and making distrubion is what I want to do with my life outside corporate life but tech startups and oh yes… Movie scripts when my adhd actually let’s me try focus on something.
Trying to get a draft soundtrack as well is impossible to be perfect like… Juno, 500 days of summer,little miss sunshine, garden state, Forrest Gump.
Or even how a song ties in to the story, like perks of being a wallflower.
I’m trying to also think about a movie about where a character meditates so I can get an excuse to research some different topics on Wikipedia, I don’t know if you saw maybe I shared but I got some books from the Hari chishnas.
I think I said I’m working part time Monday to Wednesday for a month already? If I didn’t I reduced some hours to try work on my mental health and it’s been good so far until yesterday when I came off lorzopam whitch I expected given what the psych said but tonight I’m gonna try sleep without quintinpin but I’m not sure if I’m getting a deep enough sleep might need to investigate my birthday present to myself this year might have to be a high end Garmin, with topo maps incase we go out in the middle of nowhere.
Thursday I’m seeing my dietain, and I’ll tell her I’m gaining weight again now my mind is quiter then it was but I need to work on protein shakes In between my meals still.
This Friday I’m seeing my ent hopefully to get the all clear from my nose surgery seems it’s better than ever like night and day almost at the gym and my Allgeries in this damn house that was getting me sick.
Goodnight from me, you’ll be awake soon, drink some water or green tea, I really need to drink more matcha maybe tomorrow I’ll try it after these meds issues in the evening and add some of my almoulmd milk I’m supposed be drinking 3 liters a week of.
I hope to see you in my dreams again, this time can you put some subtlites on your elvish.
Yours
Xoxo
R
P.S
This 9th anniversary, I suppose I’ve been thinking about parts of you within my memory and how some things remind me of you, in different voids of memory, or just in nature…
The hot water pools warm as her soul, the mountains as beautiful as her mind, her bumps and curves like clifs and ridges.
between her eyes, those hazel eyes I can see galaxies to my world just wish I spent more time staring into them.
I see it in my morning crema if I try hard enough, Maybe soon I’ll be able to day dream into her soul asmuch I think about her long blonde hair, bright as the and long and tall as sunflowers on the interstate invewtteen where I am and where I’m headed.
her long legs like the redwoods of California tall and magestic, she is like a Michigan sunset in all her colours.
Her an hugs as warm as all my blankets during winter, and her kiss as sweet as Ramune, her hands feeling electric like a bolt of lightning to recharge my soul.
It’s raining, and I can hear the flowers thankful for their nutrition, as I use to call out in my sorrow in my past, I now I’m greatful to grow again hearing her in the clouds creating music for all those who know how to listen to it.
(I’ve tried a few different endings but they all felt shit so this was the least shitty one)
In the fragile fragments of my memory where I can smell memories like a fragrance, of the flowers she planted in my mind. Her beauty is there, and here.
Sorry I didn’t warn you, I’m getting off the lorzopam and the scorpio moon comes out…it’s hitting me like a freight train and writing some poetry to try get my head writing better, it’s a bit hit and miss you always had the best swing of words.
Today I have to try force myself to eat my overnight oats, and do my work because when I woke up this morning I mediated and acidently went back to bed good thing I set an emergency 8am alarm but I think I got to much cocoa powder mixed in it’s a little bitter but the coffee helps wash it down…
spoke to soon on this front just ad I finished typing this let’s say my body like was like yep to much cocoa… Or is it a side effect of the atomoxetine. Well tomorrow I won’t have my oats and I feel the same then we know it’s the meds.
Fuck that was scary, hot flush, nusala and sweaty.
Anyway… This mornings meditation I woke up and being half awake at 6am trying to get back to my routine, as I check the places where you are, I saw your beautiful long legs and a hotpool in the mountains, I could hear your spirit whispering some elvish song of tranquility a place to be.
Today’s song because of the Timezone is the 25th and with the difference.
Is the anyone but you with (Juno) Elliot Page and (Bleeeker) Michael “Scott (fucking) Pilgram” Cera.
Please remember If you feel not cute or beautiful, remember that I like you no matter how you come you are one sexy beautiful tall elf.
*touches nose* boop.
P.S
My parcel says it’s stuck in customs,(so might be 1-14 days Apprently… Fuck) when it arrives I’ve got something planned for its arrival and blessing cemonay of sorts and something else I want to do with it. You’ll see in due time.
